My Solution For Supporting Sports Stadiums

Okay, I had this great idea!  No, really, trust me, it’s brilliant!  Okay, it’s half-baked and was concocted in the shower this morning—thinking doesn’t bother the rest of the household as much as my singing would have. 

You know how all these sports team owners all over the country are threatening to move their teams to places with better stadiums?   I’m thinking of Sacramento and San Francisco as prime examples, but this solution would have to be across the board.  Okay, so I think that we pass a Federal Constitutional Amendment that requires all professional sports teams be owned by the City in which they reside.

All current owners would have to sell their team by use of that whole Eminent Domain thing of which the Supreme Court is so fond.  Then, a governing body of City “Chief Sports Officers,” would replace the commissioners in each sport, electing an “Über Sports Officer” who would be elected to a two-year term.  This commission would determine whether leagues were expanded, season schedules, and other key processes like negotiating with the new union for the players. 

All players, coaches, front office staff, stadium service workers, etc., would be required to belong to their local City employee union.  Their pay rates and classifications would be determined through merit and tenure!  Any increases to pay and/or benefits would have to be approved across the board through normal employee contractual talks and/or voted on by the citizens for whom they play. 

Hey, and look at it like this: 

• City gets all the revenue for everything—parking, concessions, logo team sales, television/radio contracts – those television contracts alone would probably fix most of California’s crumbling infrastructure
• Grossly overpaid prima donna athletes who couldn’t get a job if they didn’t play ball would have a nice little pension and a guaranteed salary while they played - and because they aren't making $56 million for three years, ticket prices will come down, allowing everyone to be able to enjoy watching
• Cities would no longer be extorted into lining the pockets of already filthy rich team owners
• Cities would bear the cost of improvements to arenas/stadiums, but would receive all the benefit of doing so, which is almost the same as things are now—you know—now we citizens pay, but the filthy rich owners get all the money 

Of course, a City employee I know reminded me this would also mean that players and other workers would get paid double time for Sundays, they'd fall asleep on the bench and still keep their jobs, and would get three times the holidays of the normal working stiff, but hey, these are minor considerations, right?

I know that if such an amendment was put forth, I would vote for it!  I’m just thinking that this Federal Constitutional Amendment makes way more sense and would benefit all citizens, unlike that that other amendment Bush keeps trying to push forth banning Gay marriage.

Raise the urinals. ~ Darrel Chaney on how management could keep the Braves on their toes

Published on: Nov 17, 2006