Crazy Shit Lesbians Do

Okay, these are all true...and culled from my circle of compadres, which, if you watch carefully, closely parallels the plotlines of Showtime's The L Word:

• I’m over her, but will talk about her e-v-e-r-y day for the rest of my life
• Knowing your girlfriend always invites all her ex-lovers for Thanksgiving
• Having a commitment ceremony, inviting all of their Internet friends telling them to bring a chair, a side dish and “cash only” as gifts
• “Falling in love” on the Internet and moving without ever having met her in person
• Promising to “remain friends” so you hold that safety f#&@ in reserve
• You get the silent treatment – “You know what you did wrong.”
• Her ex-girlfriends have formed a support group
• “You’re so nice, why can’t I ever meet someone like you?” as she walks out the door and waves goodbye
• Dating her because of the red flags, not in spite of them, because you are convinced you can change her
• Lesbians who are so masculine looking you want to check them for testicles
• She announces she’s bi, but you’re quite sure she meant bi-polar
• Meet, mate, merge AKA why lesbian bars never stay open long
• You’ve reached that point in your relationship where your idea of oral sex is yelling, “F#&@ you,” to each other from across the room
• Having a wide circle of Lesbian friends, because that’s your dating pool
• You walk into a bar—you look around and realize that you’ve either slept with them or you girlfriend has - the real-life version of Alice's Degrees of Separation chart on the L-Word
• Lesbians never tell you they want to date other people, they just say things like, “Honey, I’ll race you to sleep.”
• The Bookend Syndrome…getting the same bad haircut and matching outfits, down to the Birkenstocks
• You meet two women you are contemplating dating, unbeknownst to the  other—you find out one broke up with her girlfriend three months ago, one three years ago (someone didn't get the memo), but you find out they actually still live together, which brings me to:
• Living with the ex for YEARS after the breakup because it’s easier than dividing up all the crap

Published on: Nov 15, 2006