Dating. The other day, I just looked at my sister sitting across from me at my patio table, and said, "Do I have to?" She assured me I did not. The pace and level of desperation seems too highly stoked for me to want to stick my hand or any other body part back that particular fire. And, anyway, I have too much painting to do around the house. What happened to courtship?
Back in the day, not so very long ago, there were actual courtship rituals. The "Gentleman Caller," (and I use that in the most gender-neutral way possible), would visit his intended the first time for no more than 10-15 minutes, with hat in hand. The hat, I have. This is the modern equivalent to reading a suitor’s Internet profile today. If the intended was interested, she responded with card or note—today it’s by sending an e-mail. I'm sure more than one stuffy, boring, or vapid suitor was rejected and sent away, hat in hand, in earlier times. I have an email box full of such offers that I've left unanswered from my little Internet dating experiment (see February 17th in the April Archives—yeah, I know, February isn’t April, but that’s another story).
Once a woman chose to receive a suitor (and she could receive more than one at a time), he could present her with a gift of flowers, candy or a book. Anything more expensive or of a more personal nature was deemed inappropriate. Physical contact, even as simple as taking an arm, was closely monitored by all. Further visits between the pair were made in the parlor of the woman's home or walking together in the park, chaperone following close behind.
Oh, how different it must have been to believe that sneaking around to hold hands while ice skating or dancing was the height of risky behavior—they never seemed to need porn or Viagra! To get the thrill of seeing a simple, hand-carried letter full of heartfelt compliments written with a hand trembling with anticipation, or to have to catch your breath when a voice, rife with promise, would speak your name in a way only potential lovers can know.
How these Victorian romances worked out after the fact is anyone's guess. Creating a level of romance and affection that over time intertwines artfully into a complex, rich, and colorful tapestry of partnership, companionship, and maybe even life-lasting love is an accomplishment that I dare say few are fortunate enough to attain in any era.
But, what this set of courtship rituals required was the two things our society doesn't seem to have enough of—time and patience. Courtships often lasted months or even years, and patience was a virtue. The greatest of life's experiences require work, and are therefore valued more highly, but they take time. Dating today is carried out at such a fevered pace, even the participants can’t keep up, much less the casual observer.
I was in the office today and asked the three single, attractive, and extremely smart 20-somethings about their perceptions of dating. All agreed that everything moved too fast. Physical closeness is expected well before the emotional connection was made and any true intimacy established. They cited the fact that couples move in together before they love, or sometimes even like each other. Interestingly, each thought that the majority of people like them just wanted to "be with someone," because it is felt the culture allows no place for singles in our fast-paced world. Perhaps we have lost sight of the fact that long lasting relationships take time and a mutual desire to commit to the growth of the relationship. Any consideration toward building a relationship based on more than a hookup or personal convenience seems to have been missed—relationships seem disposable—why is there such a rush to superficiality? Basically, they seem to be serially coupling with no foundation set beneath it for its sustainability.
What I was pleased to see is that these three particular women do not seem to have fallen into the patterns of those they themselves have observed. But, this level-headedness may raise a completely different issue.
Even though I am about 20 years older than these young women, one of them struck a note with me when she said, "I have a full life with a great job, friends, family, hobbies, and interests. Finding a guy who adds to that, and doesn't just take away from it by taking valuable time away from everything else in my life is the problem." Have long lasting romantic relationships become unnecessary? And, will we even be able to have the open heart, mind, and eyes to see the one that's come a' callin', hat in hand, who may be one of those who adds to our lives, or will we be too busy?
Women can support themselves, rear their children alone, and form networks of support outside of a primary romantic relationship. Yet, the one thing these particular young women shared is they all wanted someone to love and to love them above all others. They just didn’t know quite how it would happen.
As a woman of a certain age, and I ain’t sayin’ I’m old, because my hormones are still humming quite nicely thank you very much, I too feel the pressure of time, a full life, and have some reticence in putting effort into something that’s outcome is so uncertain. At my age, I've loved and lost more than once. In moments, I'm jaded. Is it necessary to keep trying? No. Is making that numinous connection even viable in today’s world of technology, endless opportunity, and instant gratification? I haven’t a clue. But, is it desired? Yes. Because once the spark has been ignited, getting to know the one for whom your hat is in your hands, is one of life’s true pleasures, on a multitude of levels. The outcome is uncertain, but if we don’t seek an opportunity to connect with that person, will we ever even have a chance to create that tapestry? It’s like trying to win the lottery without buying a ticket.
Courtship consists in a number of quiet attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, nor so vague as not to be understood.
~ Laurence Sterne
Published on: May 27, 2006
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