Not that I’ve had any practice lately, but I was having a discussion with a friend, as I’ve had with other friends in the past, about kissing. Not that I was going to kiss any of those heretofore mentioned friends—it was more a discussion of kissing philosophy. Can a person who is kissing challenged be retrained?
I used to be one of the “Yes, a good kisser can totally retrain a bad kisser,” school. But, over the years, I’ve changed that opinion, but only after repeated scientific attempts to thoroughly research the topic. There are so many kinds of kissers, here are but a few (if my friends have their own kissing nightmares to report, I’m happy to ad them to this blog):
Roadrunner Kiss: The Roadrunner rapid close-mouthed pecks, battering the recipient until chaffing occurs.
The Tonsilectomy Kiss: A proper kiss should not involve any tongue meeting any tonsils. This is a common error made by poor kissers. I do not want to have my airway blocked by you. Go work out your mother’s desire for you to be a doctor somewhere else. Stop and go away.
The “I Don’t Know Where Your Mouth Is” Kiss: These kissers work their way around your face, and never quite reach their mark. This leads the kissee to believe that you will not be able to figure out where anything is. Best to just go home until you can have your glasses prescription checked or buy a roadmap and a copy of “The Art of Kissing” but it won’t do any good, so I suggest taking up a hobby like darts to improve your aim.
Wet and Wild Kisser: Bring your snorkel and facemask, because when this kisser is done with you, you will be sitting in a pool of saliva. Enough said. Whoever encouraged these people in high school should be barred from the dating pool forever.
The Long, Slow Passionate, Deep Kiss: A properly executed kiss of this type elicits the best response from the recipient. When you see one of these kisses at the movies, you suddenly remember why kissing is the singularly best thing invented since the 9-volt battery.
The “I Don’t Know Where Your Mouth Is” Kiss: These kissers work their way around your face, and never quite reach their mark. This leads the kissee to believe that you will not be able to figure out where anything is. Best to just go home until you can have your glasses prescription checked or buy a roadmap and a copy of “The Art of Kissing” but it won’t do any good, so I suggest taking up a hobby like darts to improve your aim.
Wet and Wild Kisser: Bring your snorkel and facemask, because when this kisser is done with you, you will be sitting in a pool of saliva. Enough said. Whoever encouraged these people in high school should be barred from the dating pool forever.
The Long, Slow Passionate, Deep Kiss: A properly executed kiss of this type elicits the best response from the recipient. When you see one of these kisses at the movies, you suddenly remember why kissing is the singularly best thing invented since the 9-volt battery.
So, for all of you bad kissers out there, please spare all of us. If you are a good kisser, please respond to my personal ad. I’m happy to continue my research, with the new hypothesis—Good Kissers Rock!
Kissing is like real estate. The most important thing is location, location, location.
~Source Unknown
~Source Unknown
Published on: Feb 21, 2006
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