What It Is

 

Ya’ know, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and frankly, I need to stop, my brain hurts. So, I’ve decided to write free form…kinda…when I split up this year, I was pretty disengaged emotionally. The crying had been done and the “what’s next” phase happened along. Soon, the “what’s next” became a “it’s got to happen.”

 

I settled in to my new life and found huge reserves of compassion and empathy from friends old and new in just the right doses, but, somehow, I sat with this niggling feeling asking, “Was I good enough,” to ever do the romance thing again? Had I been too seriously damaged or hurt or angry to give it another go? Because I like dating and I liked being in a relationship for the most part. The endless possibilities for nuance to fit the time/space/people is a concept I’m quickly becoming one with. I was commenting to my sister today while do some hellish shopping that I’m less and less enamored of the idea of the traditional relationship—when I see couples obviously together some little time, they all look miserable—put upon, cranky, and out of touch with whatever brought them together in the first place.

 

Relationships don’t have to end in forever couplehood nor do they need to be cut short prematurely for some crazy reason associated with practicality—loathe though I am to admit I do have the occasional failing in the practicality department. Cookie cutters just don't seem to work.

 

And, what of my self-confidence? I’ve always been competent, not ugly, and winsome in the right moment to attract people. I joked about whether I still knew how to ride a bike, but I wasn’t kidding. The thought that I might not have the old me in there somewhere was terrifying.

 

Thankfully, I do still know how to ride a bike.

 

But, more importantly, I am still who I was. An imperfect girl—full of fight and love and valor and compassion, scared sometimes, and brazen the next, insecure and fully sure of all things, and all of those other wacky ups and downs that allow me to wake up every morning glad I’ve met a new day. I’m going forth, scared or not!

 

What I’m not going to say this day are these words: never, would have, could have, should have, and what if.

 

Who you callin’ chicken?

 Published on: Jun 12, 2006