Just Let Me Come Into Your House For A Minute

I had taken a little break from volunteering for the local Collie Rescue because of the move.  I got a new assignment today.  A home check.  I love home checks.  For one thing, it’s great to be part of an organization that does so much good for Collies.  I’ve had a Collie for most of my adult life.  Not the same Collie, mind you, but, if I have a dog, it’s a Collie, or some variation of a Collie.

The other reason I love doing home checks is that it satisfies this deeply residential property voyeur in me. 

My love of realty started harmlessly.  I’d watch the local real estate program on Sunday mornings when one was available to watch.  I had 30 minutes of pure ecstasy, watching the 20 or so featured properties—multiple photos from varying angles rotating through as the property was described in detail.  “Ooh, look at the Tudor…oh, that Cape Cod just needs a little work.”

When I discovered “Sell This House” and “House Hunters” on television it was like they created programming just to satisfy my property lust.  I watched faithfully.  I’d become such a fan of “House Hunters,” the hostess and I developed a very close relationship—she’s sign off each night, “I’m Suzanne Whang, thanks for joining us for House Hunters.”  And, I’d be compelled to say, “Goodnight, Suzanne Whhannng.”  I’m sure she heard me every night, I was her biggest fan after all.   

I bought a house and started doing the redecorating and updating.  Soon, I was an “expert.”  It just wasn’t enough, I needed more.  I slipped even further into the morass of realty depravity and started going to open houses in person even though I wasn’t actually planning to buy another house.  I just wanted to compare and contrast, evaluate the house and compare the value against my own house.  “Oh,” I’d say, “I’d never have done it that way,” or,  “Nice staging.”  I was frequently mistaken for a real estate agent by other agents. 

I started annoying the neighbors with my recommendations for remodeling, “Just cut a big old hole right here in the wall, and open this puppy up, it’ll add $20k to the place,” as I made a grand sweeping motion between the kitchen and living room.  Her husband just cranked his neck and looked up at me from his easy chair like I was the devil come a callin’.  My poor neighbor just wanted me to look at her new dining room table.  I knew then I’d gone to far in my property passion.

It took a while to get my voyeurism under control, but it’s still good to do a home check from time to time. 

Well, real estate is always good, as far as I'm concerned.
~ Donald Trump

Published on: Apr 4, 2006